Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
