Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
