Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
