She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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