I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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