i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
