it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
