they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
