why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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