I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
