M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
