allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
