you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
