At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
