Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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