Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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