he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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