We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
