look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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