Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
