My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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