You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
