I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
