There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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