How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
