if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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