where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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