Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
