New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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