Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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