Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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