Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
