I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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