The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
