I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
