she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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