i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize