He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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