Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
