They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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