I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
