if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
