I could have mohawked her pubes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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