I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
