sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
