she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
