When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
