Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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