Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
