This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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