he shaved USA in his pubs
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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